Archive for Life

Out in left field

[ music | Radiohead – Sulk ]

Yep. Another whine post. This is basically why I hate having certain conversations with certain people, because it makes me think about things I try to ignore. I was asked, “Do you think you’re a little too caustic sometimes?” I answered, “Yeah, probably.” The reply was, “No, seriously.” “Yeah, seriously. I’m sure I am too caustic at times.” The follow up question, “Why do you think that is?” “Because I’m frustrated with my life to a degree I never knew possible. I know that this is my last chance to start getting back on the right track, or I’ll wind up out in left field forever. I’m 27, and if I don’t get this working now, I’ll be 45 and stuck in the same damned rut. I don’t want to wind up like that. I don’t think I could take that.”

And that’s what it boils down to. With everything that’s been thrown at me, not a lot still strikes fear into me. The idea that I’ll wind up missing that last exit, that still scares the hell out of me. And I just can’t seem to figure out quite how to make it happen.

Time to get a little sleep…

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We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

[ music | Cursive – A Disruption In The Normal Swing of Things ]

When I told the telco to cut the DSL, they somehow assumed I meant the whole damn phone line. So I’ve spent the past week getting my phone back on since tuesday morning. They’re so cute, they cut it at 4:50pm monday.

I would have been online THURSDAY (the turn-on date), but there was a line fault, and then friday the service ticket somehow never got entered on thursday, so I had to be up NOW on saturday for the telco dude. Me being up at 8am on a saturday should be illegal. I’ll be blogging again as normal soonish.

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Compressed Schedules and Ad Space Forever!

[ music | Liz Phair – Conversation Overheard Between Two Bouncers ]

I walked out my front door today, and saw these on the front of my apartment building:

Sheriff's Sale photo 1
Sheriff's Sale photo 2

My building is being sold in a Sheriff’s Sale on September 1st. No, I can’t sue the landlord because I’ve been on a month to month “lease” for ages. No, I can’t buy the building. And that’s my deadline (and dead is the key word here), September 1. So, I’m even further down the stream without any propulsion implements than I previously thought. So I again post my appeal, help me Reboot My Life! Please!

And in that vein, I’m even offering something for sale: Permanent ad placement on my site. For as long as your site or organization is around, you’ll be able to have an advertisement here on my site. Either a skyscraper like you see to the right, a button like to the left, or we can work out some other format and placement. The only caveats are that the ad may not be Java-based, really annoying Flash ads, advertising illegal content, blatantly false, or incredibly offensive. I determine if the ad falls under these terms, but I’m very flexible and we can work something out. What’s the cost for a lifetime of ad space? $5,000.00, which whill go to Rebooting my life. It will actually enable me to end that campaign entirely. The good karma you’ll be buying is priceless. 🙂

grey (at)

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Google is trying to fuck me over.

[ music | Nine Inch Nails – Starfuckers Inc. ]

Ahh yes, I should have known it was too good to be true. Every night I check my AdSense reports to see what progress I’ve made. The vast majority of money I’ve earned so far was from Google ads, a little over $100. They don’t send you a check until you hit that $100 mark either. I went to check my AdSense account, and got this message:

Yeah, this thrilled me. I had to read it three times to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. “Oh shit, now what’s going on?” It’s been two solid days of bad news and fuckups, with a few hours of fun friday night for contrast. So I go over to my GMail account to see what’s up. I just had to agree to the updated TOS yesterday, so I assumed I’d not jumped through all the hoops for that. I see this:

So, I let them run ads on my site for weeks, finally am about to get a check cut, and they decide to cancel my acocunt without warning or inquiry, and take back the moeny they would have had to pay me. Now. I guarantee I have in no way “cheated” the system, run click-bots, nor hired a room of people in Bangalore to click my page ads. It took me WEEKS just to make that measley $100 as it was. So, all I can think of is that if you, my loyal readership, have been clicking my ads, which is supposedly what they want, that’s apparently a bad thing. I guess I should just be happy to show their ads for them, and not get paid. Needless to say, I’m less than happy, and have requested some accounting for these actions. We’ll see how long that takes.

If I could find some kind of contact information for Yahoo’s Overture division, I’d switch to their ads, but all I can find is ways to advertise with them, not carry any ads. So for now it’s just the Amazon block there. I’m trying to think of something else to slide in there for revenue. The fates are again conspiring to fuck me before I manage to get ahead. Any rich readers out there want to invest $5k in a human-startup?

And goddamnit, I’m sick of being lonely. I’m not a fucking island. I was wrong. I’m sorry already. When do I get to move on? When do I get to stop being punished? That’s what hurts most. For once I want a shoulder to cry on. I just want out of here so badly. So damn badly…

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Another $194 closer, kind of…

[ music | Monty Python – The Money Song ]

Well, I just checked my Dreamhost account for no particular reason, but I’m glad I did. Not one but TWO people signed up for Dreamhost accounts through my link in one day. I know who one of you is (thanks, kid! ;), but the second name isn’t quite as easily recognized. Whoever you may be, thanks! That’s another $194.00 that will eventually reach the coffers in 96 days, or October 17th. I’m not complaining though, don’t get me wrong. 🙂

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Same plot, different characters.

[ music | Nelly Furtado – Powerless ]

So, today Chewie[] has started to discover a very important life lesson. It’s quite an experience to see people say or think things exactly as you did at that same age. Specifically, he said “I really didn’t like what she was becoming. I just wanted her to remain her own, beautiful self.” I laughed, but not in a derisive manner, but in a completely understanding one, and appreciating the naiveté of the statement. I can remember on a few occasions thinking the exact same thing. But the lesson he will learn is two-fold. Change is inescapable, you can not stop change any more than you can hold back the tide. And the second, and probably more important in this particular situation is you can only control yourself. You are powerless to change other people, and if you should try to change other people, it will NEVER EVER WORK. It always ends in disaster. I do not want to even attempt to count the times I have seen it nor do I wish to recount the few times I’ve tried it. It will blow up in your face every time. The best case scenario is discussing the situation with the other person, and bringing the problem to light. The caveat with that is if there is no actual problem, if you have a personal issue with what a person is becoming, especially as they grow up and find their own identity, there is nothing you can do, and nothing you should do except deal with it. It’s a hard fact of life to learn, some people never learn it. But it is an extremely valuable one which you will find useful through your entire life. With friends, lovers, spouses, children, and parents, you will find them no longer adhereing to your plans for them, but you need to remember that no one said your plan was best.

It’s still interesting to see someone wrestle with this, however. A wry irony. We’re all so smart, but we’re all still so dumb. Chewie[], you are a drop in the ocean, but the rest of us are also drops, and together we make up that ocean. As much as you may feel it at times, you are not alone in those feelings. 🙂

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But if there’s nothing shakin’ come this here July…

[ music | Frank Sinatra – That’s Life ]

Well, I’m not gonna roll my self up and die… But I am gonna roll my self up. So, today I finally managed to talk to one of my best friends after far too long an interruption. And while I forgot a bunch of things I wanted to bring up, I did manage to mention my impending move plans. Well, ok, she reminded me, but that still counts! I was talking about how Pittsburgh is just a stepping stone for me, and that I’d rather move more eastward like Philly, Jersey, or ideally the NYC area. Then she mentioned why not Boston? There’s boatloads of tech jobs up there (Silicon Alley anyone?), and a much more vibrant performing arts community than in Pittsburgh. I’d vaguely thought of it before, as I’ve been sending my resume out to recruiters, and one was talking about throwing me in the hat for a job with a Boston-based company.

Later when I was hanging out in IRC (something I do too much of I suppose), another friend (MightyMu) said a couple things that started to make it all soak in. “Boston’s a better town for that than pgh, anyway”, which is rather obvious, but I continue. “The problem with Pittsburgh is – where do you go? Closest states are Ohio and West Virginia, no other major cities nearby, you’re out there all by yourself.” This is something I have always known, it’s somewhat inescapable if you have ever looked at a map. But hearing it from someone else (especially someone else in PA), it just gave it an entirely different poignancy. I have always an an affinity to the Northeast. Being born in Pittsburgh was great, it’s a great town, but he was right. Pittsburgh is the last outpost of Easternism. Pittsburgh was the original “Gateway to the West” long before St. Louis held that title. And if I have always loved the East Coast, the Atlantic Ocean, and New York, why am I going to move to the most southern and western urban area in the Northeast?

I have one real friend left in the area, Alex. I’ve lost contact with everyone else, being away from the area for 7 years now, and can’t think of anyone who means enough to me to stay there. I can stay friends with Alex from anywhere, and he’s getting married in September, so we can’t exactly go cruising for chicks anyway. So what’s holding me there? Nothing. And now I have a fantastic friend in the heart of the Northeast, core-Blue-State America, a stone’s throw from the Big Apple, who can show me around and inject me with a new circle of friends, and someone I actually want to stay friends with. And the place is rotten with opportunities for me both technically (so I can pay the bloody rent) and artistically (for when I break out of the tech industry). This is the place where the original Americans were forged from the cold furnace of harsh winters and an untamed land. So really, what is there to decide?

So, there it is. I’m moving to Boston, instead. Reboot My Life will be changed soon to reflect this, too. I can’t believe after all these years I actually have a life plan that makes sense.

I’m also stealing jwz’s per-post music thing. Yes, I now succumb to more blog memes. I’m evil, what can I say.

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Help Reboot My Life

Well, the time has come. I need a massive change, and am taking those big scary steps to do it. One step is to mount a call for help. Thus is born Reboot My Life. In the grand tradition of Save Karyn (her original site), and other people appealing to the world for a little help, I’m here before the world laying out my position. All the details are here. Please give it a read, and if all you can do is share the URL, that’s great. The wider the audience the better. Thanks.

Update: Yes, already, less than an hour after this went live, Tom registered and has it pointing to this page. So feel free to point folks to!

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