Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your, er, eyes.

[ music | OMC – How Bizarre ]

Well I guess I can talk about it now. The papers are signed and the plane tickets are bought. I’ve been hired by Mozilla Corp! Since everyone knows that MoCo has been in freefall since the release of FF2, with a precipitous drop in revenue, I’ve been brought in to revitalize the company. The first step is to bring direction back to development. To further that goal, we’re dropping Gecko and moving to WebKit. WebKit is obviously more stable and well developed, and has much more room for growth than Gecko. Gecko is stagnant and has reached the limit of its expandability. This has been a well kept secret, and everyone’s been denying it for several years. WebKit is lighter and faster, and Gecko is just getting too bogged down with too much code only bz understands.

Second on the agenda will be to move WebKit development onto Vista. Vista is obviously the future, with people upgrading by the dozens every week. This will also allow us to leverage Vista’s enhanced Digital Rights Management features for the third prong of my new Mozilla Corp plan, SecureWeb.

SecureWeb is an entirely new way of browsing the web, and delivering content in a completely secure manner. SecureWeb puts content owners and developers where they should be, in control of the user. With total control over the browser experience, things like browser incompatibilities are a thing of the past because you can’t browse SecureWeb without Firefox 3 Secure Edition, and that only runs on Vista. And since content developers are in total control, there’s no worry about security breaches because only Licensed Content Providers are allowed to develop for SecureWeb. Content Providers will be approved by the LCP Board, which is comprised of Mozilla, Microsoft (our Fully Qualified Partner), Google (another Fully Qualified Partner, and SecureWeb cofounder), the MPAA, the RIAA, and SCO.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who made this possible, and it’ll be an interesting ride!


  1. Goolic had this to say,

    April 1, 2007 @ 1:40 am

    Thak god it’s an aprils fools ….

    You just described something worts than hell …

    I just wish that we could make Gecko webkit slim from night to day 🙂

  2. Mark Rowe had this to say,

    April 1, 2007 @ 2:30 am

    How do you plan to address the fact that WebKit doesn’t render half the web?

  3. Grey had this to say,

    April 1, 2007 @ 2:56 am

    I don’t. If it’s not provided by one of our SecureWeb providers, it’s of minor importance. If those sites want to be part of SecureWeb then they can pay the trivial $12,000 membership fee and learn how to become SecureWeb compliant.

  4. James Napolitano had this to say,

    April 1, 2007 @ 3:21 am

    Oh good. I hope this new SecureWeb funnels enough revenue into SCO to revitalize its ongoing lawsuits to defend the intellectual property it worked so hard to produce. That gives me an idea–we should also develop on a web crawler that automatically downloads the code of all available open source projects, scans them for patent violations, and then notifies the patent owners. The thought of all these hooligan coders out there using other peoples’ ideas without paying for them just makes my blood boil! How is innovation supposed to happen if people just keep sharing things for free!

    Oh, but can we please switch to Trident rather than WebKit? Trident is inherently more secure because hackers can’t see the source code and find flaws in it, plus MS said it was more secure than Gecko.

  5. Alex Vincent had this to say,

    April 1, 2007 @ 3:37 am

    Freefall, eh? Is that why they were giving away so many goodies at Dev Day? To stop the creditors from taking it all?

  6. Dao had this to say,

    April 1, 2007 @ 4:31 am

    Nice timing.

  7. Kent had this to say,

    April 3, 2007 @ 8:56 am

    Hilarious, great writing!

  8. sa seba had this to say,

    April 8, 2007 @ 4:03 am

    you had me there for a moment 😉

  9. Andrew P. had this to say,

    April 14, 2007 @ 10:53 am

    <blockquote>… the agenda will be to move WebKit development onto Vista. Vista is obviously the future, with people upgrading by the dozens every week. …</blockquote>

    I wonder how many people, like I, tried Vista for a few weeks because it came with a new computer, then "downgraded" to Windows XP or Linux, just so we could get some work done. Vista is DOA, if for no other reason that it takes twice the electrical power in a CPU to run it and achieve the same application program performance as earlier operating systems did.

  10. Susana had this to say,

    May 21, 2007 @ 5:36 pm

    I now it has nothing to do with the post, but just wanted to say hello! (It’s been ages!)