An endless plain of little piles...
I've been wandering.
From place to place, and from person to person.
Like water, I took the shape of my container,
mimicking it's form.
Becoming what it said I should be.
I would run until I found a pile of pieces.
and once again I would play the role of glue.
Trying to put together the pieces of a puzzle I did not see.
Trying to put together the shards of a person I did not break.
Trying to fix myself through someone else.
I would come to the rescue.
I would bind their wounds,
comfort their pain,
soothe their souls.
Trying to soothe my soul by proxy.
I would step back and admire my work, how pretty a picture I had painted.
If you didn't look too closely, the paint almost covered the cracks.
And for a while I would be happy, or at least numb enough to think so,
I had pride in my craftsmanship, but it would never last.
I was a weak glue, and could not hold.
The pieces would come apart again,
but now I could blame myself for not being stronger.
I would become restless again, unhappy,
seeing that I could not continue to be a salve.
And with great pain I would step back, announce my failure,
and vow to never entertain such folly again.
But I would.
"The next one is it. This time it will be different."
And I would look at the sky when I walked,
never thinking of how rough a road I walked.
I was trying to help myself by helping others.
Lying to myself while helping others see the truth.
I was very good at that.
I could make myself believe just about anything. And I did,
for quite a long time.
I've lied myself into a pretty little pile of pieces,
a jigsaw puzzle of a man.
I look down at these shards of me, such pretty little pieces.
Some shine brightly in the sun, some are obsidian, black and glassy.
I finally recognize this assortment of bits not as refuse,
but as the parts that make an entire person!
As chaotic as these parts seem, all jumbled about and disjointed,
nothing important has been lost!
Look! Here is a first word,
a first step,
a first fall,
a first love,
a first loss,
a first risk,
a first reward!
All of it is still here!
But they must be assembled with care, not haste.
I was looking to soothe my soul by proxy,
but the soul requires a little more attention, a little more care.
But by god my soul is still here.
Sometimes I wasn't sure I'd had one...